14 July 2009
Secrecy Vs. Privacy; Mark Sanford’s blurring of Definitions
Posted by Sari .
When Mark Sanford shared with the world more details regarding his feelings for his lover in Argentina what reaction was he hoping for from the American public? Did he think about who his audience was and how they might react to such details? When he unloaded the news that he had “crossed the lines” with other women over the years but not the ultimate line what messages was he sending out. Perhaps he thought if people knew that he had feelings for his lover as opposed to just having sex with her that people would feel more empathic for him. When he talked about crossing lines was he saying he hit all the bases but didn’t make it home a la our oh so line crossing former President Clinton? What’s the difference whether you have oral sex, anal sex, manual sex, touch someone’s breasts or kiss them deeply with your tongue? The line he should be more concerned with is the one between privacy and secrecy. Does he feel these lines he crossed earlier are less painful for his wife to hear about? The answer is that if you aren’t telling your spouse about certain behaviors they have become secret. Secret behaviors are those that if discovered by your monogomous partner would incur anger, a sense of betrayal and hurt. Private behaviors are those that you did before you met, or that might not engender hurt but is more about your own sense of what you want to keep to yourself (for example when you masturbate alone when your mate’s not home, as long as both you and your partner have agreed that this form of sex is acceptable to you both).
Or if your friend has told you a secret and has asked you to keep it to yourself and it has no direct impact on your spouse. These are private acts or conversations that by keeping to yourself will not be hurting anyone. Not only did Mark Sanford hurt his wife and family by secretly having sexual relationships outside his marriage but he has probably caused more pain to them by publicly expressing emotions, defences and details that should be kept private between he and his wife. His own narcissism of feeling misunderstood and deprived has continued to hurt those that are closest to him. He needs to learn many lessons regarding boundaries, sexual and otherwise.